Top 10 Ways to Win an Oscar

Oscar the DominatorIn the spirit of David Lettermen, I present to you my snarky commentary on how I feel about the Oscars.

10.  Release your film in November or December in select cities.

9. Don’t mention Jesus unless it’s in a derogatory way.  Remember who runs Hollywood you shmuck.

8. If your movie has no dialogue or color that’s fine.

7.  Add 1 cup political and or social controversy and a healthy sprinkling of social justice agenda.

6. If you plan on making something big budget, it had better be historical.

5. Never cast Johnny Depp or Leonardo DiCaprio.

4. Make sure the movie only partially makes sense in a lot of scenes.

3. Give it a title that is obscure and tells nothing about the movie.

2. For the love of all things, never make a fantasy, sci-fi, or comic book movie unless it’s a trilogy with some clout and then on the last one they might throw you a bone or then again they might snub your behind like Batman, unless you’re foreign, then it’s okay.

And the number one way to win an Oscar for your movie is…

1. Have Stephen Spielberg direct it.

(cue band music from Paul Shaffer)

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My Most Anticipated Movies of 2013

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Being the geek that I am, most of the movies that top my list are comic book, sci-fi or fantasy adaptations.  Here are the films of 2013 I am excited to see (not necessarily in order of anticipation except for perhaps the first on the list).

1. Monsters University (June 21st)
I love a Pixar movie (except Brave) and Monsters Inc. is my probably my favorite.  I’ve been so entertained by the marketing they’re doing for this film.  Have you seen the ads that look like a real college promo?  They also have a website complete with instructor bios and info for parents sending their little monsters off to school.  That’s the Pixar ingenuity I long for!  In this prequel, we find out how Mike and Sully became the monster bff’s they are later in life.

2.Iron Man 3 (May 3rd-see what they did there?)

Yes I am a sucker for comic book movies, especially since Marvel’s Avengers knocked my socks clear off.  I’m always in for some snarky Stark banter and devil may care heroics.  Guy Pearce plays the villain and he is oh so good at that so I’m stoked.

3. Oz The Great and Powerful (March 8th)

I’ve never been a huge Oz nut but this adaptation looks stunning, and since it’s not by Tim Burton it’s sure to be not just creepy weird but actually entertaining.  Hopefully.  James Franco sure has come a long way from his Spiderman days but I wonder how he’ll pull off the quirkyness of the wizard.  The story is something of a Dorothy-esque journey into the heart of what ails Oz.  The cast of femme fatale witches seems intriguing too with Rachel Wesiz, Michelle Williiams and Mila Kunis who I’m surprised is doing a movie where she keeps her pants on.  Bonus: Bruce Campbell has a role.

4. Oblivion (April 19th-Happy Birthday Hubby! We can go see this flick!)

If there’s something else I’m a sucker for, it’s a post-apocalyptic Tom Cruise action film.  It was Minority Report that got me the last time.  I really enjoy this type of speculative sci-fi and I’m intrigued by the twist alluded to in the trailers that somehow Cruise’s character is connected to the people still on the planet.  In the story, Earth is supposed to be devoid of people until Tom stumbles upon a horde of humans living underground.  The forces of current humanity seem intent on blasting these folks out of existence, but why?

5. Star Trek Into Darkness (May 17th)

Even if I hadn’t been a Trek fan from Next Generation, I probably would have been willing to see this film simply because Benedict Cumberbatch is the villain.  I can’t wait to see my favorite Sherlock thwart the fiesty captain Kirk and his band of intergalactic academics.  With J.J. Abrams at the helm, this rebooted franchise has made me once again happy to be on the starship Enterprise.

6. Thor: The Dark World (November 8th-Happy Birthday Dad!  I think you’d rather go to a restaurant for your birthday but we’ll see)

Ah yes, another Avenger, another sequel.  Dark elves and Dr. Who number 9 (Christopher Eccleston for non-Whovians). What is it with American films casting polished English actors as the bad guys?  What’s next, Captain America up against David Tennant?  Oh, the mind races.

7. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (December 13th)

As an avid Tolkien reader I was well satisfied with An Unexpected Journey.  I am not thrilled that Jackson made this slimmest of the Tolkien epics into 3 films however, if anyone can convince me his trilogy isn’t bloated with unnecessary events it’s Jackson.  I absolutely cannot wait to see how they handle Beorn and his home.  I’m also looking forward to meeting Legolas’s pappa and seeing the elven kingdom of Mirkwood.  I’m planning on closing my eyes for the entire spider scene though so I hope Peter made it brief.  Somehow I think not so I should apologize now for the nail marks I’ll probably make in my hubby’s arm.

8. The Great Gatsby (May 10th)

The sumptuous trailers for this film make me nearly gasp at the spectacle.  Baz Lurhman never fails to make a film rich in pageantry and this one seems to be no exception.  The casting is exciting, the visuals thrilling and the source material intriguing.  I think Fitzgerald would be excited too.  I can’t wait to see Leo DiCaprio and real life friend Tobey Maguire work together on screen.  This film is also a breath of fresh air from a movie year packed with sequels, prequels and a severe lack of period films.

9. Much Ado About Nothing (June 7th)

I was about to skim over this one (I’ve seen so many adaptations of “Much Ado”) until I noticed who was directing.  Joss Whedon does Shakespeare?  Okay, I’m game.  I don’t know anyone in the cast but I’m sure he can do something interesting.  The story is set in modern times.

10. Ender’s Game (Nov. 1st)

I just couldn’t visualize this book so I’m actually looking forward to seeing a film adaptation.  Harrison Ford back in the saddle is a good thing too.  Reports indicate that everyone involved is nearly fanatical about keeping it loyal to the book.  I just think it will be darn good sci-fi.

11. Frozen (November 29th)

Apparently this film has no official trailer on the web but it sounds intriguing.  Disney’s digital animation studio has finally given Pixar some competition with films like Wreck-It-Ralph and Tangled.  Next up is an adaption of Hans Anderson’s “The Snow Queen.” This fairy tale about two children trying to stop a perpetual winter will hopefully live up to it’s entertaining predecessors.  Broadway and Enchantment veteran Idina Menzel will most likely croon a little for the soundtrack since she lends her voice as the icy villain.

12. Jack Ryan (December 27th)

Remember those iconic Tom Clancy adventure thrillers from the 90’s?  Well, this seems to be a bit of a prequel treatment to the stalwart operative that paved the way for Bourne and the film reboot of Mission Impossible.  Kenneth Branagh is directing a stellar cast that includes Kevin Costner, Keira Knightly, Chris Pine and director Ken himself.  The first I’ve heard of this film was minutes ago looking at an IMDb list, but I’m already dreading a year-long wait.