Top 10 Ways to Win an Oscar

Oscar the DominatorIn the spirit of David Lettermen, I present to you my snarky commentary on how I feel about the Oscars.

10.  Release your film in November or December in select cities.

9. Don’t mention Jesus unless it’s in a derogatory way.  Remember who runs Hollywood you shmuck.

8. If your movie has no dialogue or color that’s fine.

7.  Add 1 cup political and or social controversy and a healthy sprinkling of social justice agenda.

6. If you plan on making something big budget, it had better be historical.

5. Never cast Johnny Depp or Leonardo DiCaprio.

4. Make sure the movie only partially makes sense in a lot of scenes.

3. Give it a title that is obscure and tells nothing about the movie.

2. For the love of all things, never make a fantasy, sci-fi, or comic book movie unless it’s a trilogy with some clout and then on the last one they might throw you a bone or then again they might snub your behind like Batman, unless you’re foreign, then it’s okay.

And the number one way to win an Oscar for your movie is…

1. Have Stephen Spielberg direct it.

(cue band music from Paul Shaffer)

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